


Maybe there's a reason

by CrystalSnow17



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a hopeful ending?, Cursing? I GUess, Depression, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Natsume needs a hug, POV Second Person, Suicidal Thoughts, and maybe i do too, and neither should you, everyone else is just mentioned, maybe? it sounds depressing, no he doesn't do anything like that don't worry, please don't read if you think something might trigger you, self-deprecating thoughts, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:11:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26150161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalSnow17/pseuds/CrystalSnow17
Summary: Take a deep breath.You can’t let it happen.Oh no.It’s happening.It’s too late now.You can’t stop thinking now.Or: the author is having a bad day and now she's projecting on Natsume.
Relationships: Akehoshi Subaru & Sakasaki Natsume, Aoba Tsumugi & Harukawa Sora & Sakasaki Natsume, Aoba Tsumugi & Sakasaki Natsume, Harukawa Sora & Sakasaki Natsume, Hibiki Wataru & Itsuki Shuu & Sakasaki Natsume & Sakuma Rei & Shinkai Kanata
Kudos: 20





	Maybe there's a reason

**Author's Note:**

> WELL HELLO THERE it's me again, writing something to relax again... Sorry for any grammar errors!! And please read the tags again and make sure you're not triggered by anything, and if you are please go back and read something else!!

Today is one of those days, when you’re not sure how long you are going to stay in bed, because you know someone will come and make you get out.

It’s again one of those days, those days in which you feel so on edge, too tired to deal with people. One of those days in which you feel threatened without a reason.

It’s one of those days when you get dressed in automatic, without thinking, because you can’t force yourself to think.

_You just don't want to think._

And so you get to school to see everything is the same as always. Nothing has changed. You walk towards your classroom. Ahead of you, you can see Subaru standing by the door, and for a second, a small part of you believes you can go with him, a small part of you believes you’ll get to hear him complain and nag you because you’re missing many classes and at this rate you might fail them all, while you engage in a mindless small talk that would make your conflicting thoughts go away, but then a familiar feeling of bitterness bubbles in your chest. 

He’s happily chatting with people you don’t know.

Sure, if you approached right then and there there was a high chance he would introduce them to you, but the mere thought of invading what, at least at your eyes, seemed like an already _closed_ circle made your stomach clunch.

So you walk away once he spots you and tries to coerce you into joining their talk, you walk past them, saying you have better things to do. _What a liar, you know there’s nothing for you if you walk away now._

But you do it anyway.

You take a shortcut through the secret passages, and you find yourself in the secret room. On your own. _Like always._

You purposefully avoided the third year’s floor, so that neither your dear brothers or Senpai would see you wandering alone again. And that’s because today was another one of those days, days in which you’ll feel so, so threatened by everyone and everything, that you’d snap at the slightest comment towards you.

Comments and gestures that _(you hoped and wished with all your heart)_ weren’t ill-intentioned, those small things that to others would pass off as a joke or a simple comment without second meanings would make you feel so _exposed_ and _weak_ and _stupid_ in this kind of days.

So you sit down at your desk trying to get those thoughts away.

You wonder if you shouldn’t have skipped class today. Maybe Subaru and the others would have actually gotten your mind away from these feelings. Or maybe they would’ve made them worse. Maybe you would’ve snapped at them when they hadn’t done anything wrong to you, maybe you would’ve just strained your _(non-existent…?)_ relationship with them because you were just so, _so stupid and careless and insensitive and useless-_

_Wait._

_No._

_No. You can’t let those thoughts get the worst of you. Not again._

_No._

_You swore you wouldn’t_

_You swore it._

_You swore you’d stop thinking like this._

_You swore you’d stop being so childish and spoiled._

_Because you hated being childish and treated like a child._

Besides, now you have people to look after, you can’t let others look after you anymore.

Not when you have Sora. Or all those kohais who would come to you for advice in the shape of fortune-telling. Hell, you even have Senpai to look after.

_So you can’t keep being like this._

_So that you can protect them all._

_So that you can put them all together or find a way to avoid them breaking before your eyes._

_You can’t be weak._

_You can’t be childish._

_You have to grow up._

_You have to protect them._

You laugh at yourself in your mind, because _aren’t you just a really big hypocrite?_

Your mind wanders back to that one time you saw Sora getting along with his classmates, back to that mixed feeling of pride, relief, jealousy and envy.

_Aren’t you a hypocrite?_

_Aren’t you playing protect with him because you wished someone did for you the same things you are doing for him?_

_Aren’t you being an ungrateful brat because your brothers did their best to protect you in that dreadful first year of yours?_

_You’re projecting your weak, useless self onto Sora, the kindest, brightest child in this hell-hole of a school. How dare you doing that, you stupid, useless, ungrateful brat._

Take a deep breath.

You can’t let it happen.

Oh no.

It’s happening.

It’s too late now.

You can’t stop thinking now.

Looking down, you can’t really remember what the hell makes you think like this.

_You want to know._

Compared to last year, _compared to your whole life before this_ , you practically have it all. Everything you wanted and everything you could ever want to be happy. You have it all so _what fucking right do you have to complain?_

_Everything is your fault._

You have no right to complain. You have it all. _You have had it all since you were born. You are just stupid. Childish. You are just being petty. You don’t have any right to complain._

So now, _why the hell are you crying?_

What did you ever do to _deserve_ the right to cry and try to blame your problems on someone else?

It’s all your fault.

_I don’t want you to treat me like a child. I don’t want to be protected. I don’t want to give up on either dream. I don’t want to give up on either group. I don’t want to give up on being your friend._

I don’t want to give up on anything, but everything hurts _so, so much._

You are afraid now.

Because you remember you have been staying up late doing nothing these days. Because you remember how hard it has been for you to get away from your bed and do literally anything for more than a couple minutes without giving up.

_They are going to worry, and you feel anger rising from your chest._

Because oh, how you _hate it_ yet _love it_ so, so _bad_ when Senpai, Sora or even Anzu come to the secret room with snacks and water because they know you have been neglecting yourself doing whatever the hell you do when you are here, because you _hate_ and _love_ their worry, their _attention_ and _care_. You want them to come, but at the same time you don’t want them to come.

Because _what could you ever do that was worth their time and attention?_

You tug at your hair, resting your hands there, trying not to pull it because you know that’s going to hurt and you hate pain _so so so much_ you can’t stand the idea of hurting yourself because you’re so _afraid of what will happen after_ and then you--

You breathe, and suddenly wonder why you keep being like this.

You wonder if there is a reason. _You want to know._

At this point you’re not sure.

You don’t even know what it is that you hate the most.

Is it the noisy emptiness that makes you want to scream and cry when you’re with other people and still feel alone? Is it the deafening silence that makes you want to run away and hide when you’re alone and still want someone to be with you without them having to see you?

_It doesn’t matter._ It doesn’t matter because everyone is going to hate you anyway. Whatever you do, you can’t help but feel _watched_ and _exposed._

So when you want to say something to someone, you don’t. You instead chose the easy way out, doing the same thing everyone expects from you.

_Nobody expects anything but cryptic nonsense and an almost magic disappearance from you anymore._

That’s what you made yourself to be at their eyes.

_So it’s all your fault._

_Why are you still trying to hate them then? Why are you still trying to think they’re in the wrong when it’s all your fucking fault?_

It’s your fault.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Are you okay? Who hurt you? What hurt you?

You can’t think of an answer, you just keep going around in circles because you don’t have an answer.

Then again, did you ever have one to begin with?

_You came here because someone told you. You stayed here because you felt you had to. You are still here because someone said they liked you._

But do you actually want to stay?

Is this really something you want?

_Is it even okay for you to want something?_

_Would you actually be forgiven if you truly, desperately wanted something?_

_Do you deserve that right? Do you deserve that right, when all you can do is complain and cry in an empty room because you’re a useless coward who can’t reach out for help and instead reaches out to help others?_

You don’t, do you?

Because you’re _pathetic_ , because _you don’t want them to know how pathetic you truly are._

You can’t burden Senpai or your brothers anymore, for they are carrying their own wounds and working their own issues and you’d only be _(again and like you’ll always be)_ an unnecessary burden they _don’t_ have to take care of.

You can’t possibly break Sora’s trust in you, you can’t show him the p _athetic true self you hide or let him see your weakness, not when he has done nothing wrong, not when he’s having such a good school life. You can’t take that away from him. You can’t. You just can’t._

And yet.

You want someone, _anyone_ to reach out to you.

Anyone would be fine, _anyone._

In moments like this, all you can think of is how you wished there was someone with you who knew everything about you and helped you pick up the few broken pieces of yourself you let fall on the floor and kept you together.

_But there was no one._

Because you wished to have someone with you so, so badly _and still pushed away everyone who tried to actually approach your heart._

Because you _hate it._

You hate it when they try to get close, because your heart is s _o, so ugly and disgusting and pathetic, just like you._

You hate it because you know they are going to say the same thing, _that you need to put on more effort even when you know and you swear you’re doing the best you can and you hate knowing it’s still not enough and it will never be enough._

Because you know, you are so, so sure _you’re not broken._ Not yet.

You’re just a bit _mended._

No one is going to care.

_Because others have been through hardest and cruelest things than you have._

_Because you can still act like it’s all okay after a few hours._

_Because you’re going to force yourself to forget all these feelings in a few hours and then feel ashamed and afraid because you know they’re going to come back when you least expect it._

But… you suppose there must be a reason for you to keep going on.

Because no matter all those times when your eyes would stay focused on the ropes you’re using to hold a sign for the cultural festival, or when your fingers would twitch when you had knives or scissors close to you, or those times when you got sick and accidentally spilled your pills when you only wanted to take one and suddenly felt anxious seeing them scattered on the table, or when you would run away and hide in this same room after going to the rooftop for whatever reason and feeling afraid of approaching a little too close for your comfort, when you wondered what would happen if you actually did any of the things that flashed through your mind.

Would everyone else be sad? Mad?

Of course they’d be mad, because you’d be _such an idiot, ungrateful brat who can’t see all he has and kept complaining for no reason at all until the end._

Yeah…

That must be it.

_Maybe you’re just being an idiot._

_Maybe._

_Maybe you’re just… confused._

You don’t know.

And still… even if all your friends are just waiting for an excuse to throw you away, even if all your fans turn their backs on you, even if the whole world comes crashing down on you…

You suppose there must be something special, something _magic_ inside of you.

Because they were smiling when they said ‘Thank you’ to you.

Because they told you you had saved them.

Because they told you they couldn’t live without you.

_Because they told you they’d be happy if they got to be with you._

So you suppose there must be a reason to believe this is the right choice. Staying in this room for a while, crying over what you feel is nothing and afterwards **_keep going_** , maybe you could go and tease your classmates, or you could hang out with Sora and his friends on the club room. 

Maybe you could read with Senpai. Maybe you three could go out together and spend time together doing something besides practice.

Maybe, _just maybe_ , you’ll find more reasons to keep going if you don’t stop walking now.


End file.
